What a week! The front door catches fire after being doused in neat vodka - my wife breaks her jaw by crashing her Peugeot 205 in to cow and (to prove that these things come in three’s) I get the blame for my neighbors child drinking the creosote she stole from my shed. Who am I kidding - my life has never been that unlucky!! That is until the ‘Magnets’ editor decided to interdict my charmed life and force a review out of me for the said album.
Making The Pretzel Stick is (apparently) the third offering from Leicester Indy rockers The Hazelnut Tweed. The Gods won’t be pleased.
The opener My Plastic Way (shovel or spade) does little to ignite the proceedings. Not that it lacks pace, it has plenty - but without identity. If it were possible to blend The Happy Mondays with two hundred litres of peach water, you would be close to the flavour and culture saturation levels that are found from this vapid tune.
Four songs down the list and the Hazelnuts are still lacking in gravity with only the multi-layered Queen style harmonies of Every Man Can A Van grabbing any nuts en route. Even this gets ruined eventually by a painful two and a half minute mandolin solo ‘outro’.
Interestingly Oil Symbols and Karma Catch-ya written by bass player Tim Thumber-Hive provide us with our two good songs for the album. Thumber-Hive, formally of Breadstar International only joined Tweed a month or so before the recording process began. We can only hope that his influence spreads before they enter a studio again.
Finally, whether the choking sounds were really authentic or just staged (as I believe) a seven minute number featuring a supposed George Bush Jr gasping for breath whilst Ann Slatersleys Leicester Angels Choir sing gospel does not help this album go out with the bang it doesn’t deserve. The title track Making The Pretzel Stick is a fine example of how not to close a record and say goodnight to your audience.
In all honesty, this review has been indulgent and therapeutic. Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad experience after all. My charmed life continues.